Friday, December 03, 2004

The Relevance Theorem

This theorem helps determine the reaction based on the action by any man. Please note, action committed by any ‘man’. Due to the inexplicable uncertainty of women another theory called the Irrelevance Theorem is on its way. To prove this theory I shall be using terms like ‘vela’, ‘arbid’ (I know it’s with a‘t’, but this one ISN’T!), etc.
I hope you aren’t so shady that you couldn’t get that.
The Relevance Theorem states something, hearing which you feel a needle wrapped up in bandage to make a cloth ball, is dipped in hot tar and dropped in his coffee, which the waitress serves the wrong guy and asks you to pay for it all the while taking her clothes off making you feel very embarrased since you are in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony's orchestral presentation at the Royal Grand hotel behind kalashipalyam, where the buses make noises like hyundai motor engines!!! and looked like yellow taxis which had fares that would make jet airways feel local transport is more profitable and works towards a better economic policy for the country making all of us proud of out nation! all the while cunningly helping increase currency rates high enought to convert all their money into pounds and going bankrupt leaving only traces of jackfruit chips which taste awesome with ketchup. Basically, anything and everything is relevant, assuming the situation you are in makes it so.

Economically speaking one can never be sure whether the policies made today will ever suffice to see the light of tomorrow. All that we can say is based on how ‘man’ decides its relevance. As proof I discuss this case study in which three yound ‘men’ travel, meanwhile expending a lot of liquid funds, taking risks, feeling cold and finally making it economically viable by reaching a bank run by the Home Government on time!

The Relevance theorem need not be associated on to economics. It is relevant at all times, places, situations, landscapes, blue bricks and yellow postcards.
"huh...", sleepy as ever he lifts his head off his pillow.The day goes by. Relevantly put, we realise that the day was irrelevant for this proof.Abigail and Po have finally packed their luggage and are ready to leave on a mystical journey through the amazing landscapes of north India all the way to a valley, frozen between hills on all sides, yet as soft as dew drops on grass in early winter mornings. They were to travel at night, so the they didn't see much since they were mostly sleeping, but they got to the valley at 4:30 am sharp! Chinoor was their tour guide, he never left their side. Maybe once at the bus station, but that was ok, since Abigail and Po weren't screaming. The Tour Guide Chinoor was a cheap and viable solution for Abigail and Po’s plight since he worked for free. At this point I would like to inform you that no live humans were hurt during the making of this story. The timing may have been sharp but nobody got hurt.The night travel was quite amazing. Although Po would not have been able to make it without a certain Thankar's help. Abigail and I can't be certain whether Po passed out or was happily asleep, since we didn't wake him up to ask. The bus was, as usual, a Government of India Transport Vehicle which makes use of the best suspension systems accross the world over! unfortunately the roads on these heavily trafficked areas have many, if there be such a word, bucket-holes. In the world of economics it is necessary to discover avenues where one can take loans from foreign bank by way of liberalising oneself. As discussed some days back by our own Finance Minister, using other peoples savings is not a bad idea, this was certainly the relevant thing to do for Po, since his cap was inadvertently lost after he invested it in a local bank.
The threesome sat together and Po got the window seat. We were seated right behind the worst set of seats on the bus. It was good fun discussing the pros and cons of sitting on the worst seats in the bus. A bar partly blocked entry into the set of seats that was called the worst set of seats. It was called so, since the door was at such a location that if any naughty boy were to 'chuck' a stone (or rock for that matter) towards the bus, it would enter at high speed through the door and develop a certain trajectory that would take it through the empty lane in the middle and right into the worst seats on the bus. We however were sitting right behing this set of seats and were saved since if there was a naughty boy who did 'chuck' a stone at the bus aimed at us, it would merely hit the window. In such a case there are only two possibilities. Firstly, the stone bounces off the window and all of us makes faces at the kid! or the glass breaks and a quilt of shattered glass covers the three of us and we sleep till morning without much trouble since it was a bit cold and a small quilt would have helped. If you didn’t get the relevance of that, stop reading!!!Lucky for us, it was nighttime and little naughty boys aren't allowed on the streets after ten. We then attempted to sleep. Chinoor using all his yogic knowledge puts his hands on his bag and his head on his hands. Abigail didn't want to lie down, niether did he want to lean on anyone, so he tried sleeping sitting straight. Po had his head on the window. Now lets thank Thankar! Every company in today’s world needs to realise the importance of innovation and creativity, this led to every man deciding his own future by selecting the perfect way to sleep. Considering that the body wieghts and fat orientation of each man were very different different styles were required. Outsourcing was considered for this job, but it seemed the irrelevant thing to do, only women can be that d… hehe… Some days back Chinoor had borrowed Po's cap cause a close friend of Po's and Chinoor's thought that he looked good in it. Chinoor, never wanting to let go of a good looking opportunity took to the cap instantly! Unfortunately for him and Po, the cap was borrowed by a certain somebody who... well... lts just say didn't give it back and Chinoor wasn't really in a position to say, "gimme my cap!!" This is what happens when a business deal goes sour. A bank uses the funds given to it by people like you on projects with unforeseen expenditures. Indian banks usually face huge losses but thankfully the customers forgive and forget (and I hope this doesn’t remind him…)
Thankar! we all love you! He lent his cap to Po, it was red in colour. I say was since it truly was... but no longer is. Maroon maybe, red - nope. The potholes on the road were very entertaining and it actually looked like we were nodding our heads to some rap song. Po was seen with his head in a smooth beat, moving up and down and even giving a little style with the cap when all of a sudden we see him go 'BANG' with the window!! It was stunning! I jump forward to see what company the glass was!! ... not! Chinoor and Abigail looked at each other and thought - he's either a heavy sleeper or just got knocked out. Such deals are always good for the borrower and bad for the lender. Proper use and benefits of having a cap were experienced by po who by chance was in a situation where he needed one!
Its funny how Abigail and Chinoor started thinking alike and even saying things at the exact same time. Considering that the common set of words in Abigail's and Chinoor's vocab is the little oxford's dictionary - it would be 45,000 words. The probability of him saying one word of those 45,000 is obviously 2.2E-5 and the same goes for me choosing exactly one word. The probability of us choosing the same word is a whopping 4.8E-10 !!!!!!!!!!!! don't worry... it makes no sense to me too. But at such places such values seem more relevant that ever.

Women on the other hand never follow the relevance theorem. Since for them everything at any time or place is irrelevant, even if it doesn’t seem so. If asked to select a car from a large number of choices the first criteria for a man would be POWER! And for a woman would be COLOUR!

For actual proof, here is a small tidbit:

I bet most of you have seen the movie in which a guy wakes up everyday to the same day??? and somehow only he remembers that the day has begun all over again and everyone else has no clue.. Groundhog Day.well.. how about this: life itself can be classified as something like that. It is a set amount of time, you don't know how much time... but lets just say a LOT of time (equivalent to a lifetime.. hehe)... when u die.. you just start over as a kid, and you have no clue that the things that are happening just happened some 'time' ago!!!!And to make it more complex think that everyone is an individual experiencing this, but their 'time' is superposed on your 'time'!! so when you are doing the things you are doing.. they are doing the things they are doing.. when the 'time' limit approaches, all goes back to zero and none of you have a clue of what happened and you start over again thinking its for the first time!!
Its like the girl from 50 first dates!! she had a single day memory, i.e., as soon as she slept she forgot all that happened during the day.. in the same way: when u die, you actually come back as yourself! as a child ofcourse.. hehe..and get to relive this already lived life in any way you like.. its completely up to you to do whatever you want.. heck! you were probably were some great hero last time round, or probably just a flopped out actor. or you could have just been exactly like you are now.. kinda boring, but... its you! hehe..

Most women would consider that tidbit of information TOTALLY irrelevant, but simply put, it does make sense! Economically we could experiment with a model that considers that its players start over from zero everyday and whatever they do differently affects their own and everybody elses profits in ways yet to be permuted.

The logic is just simply mindblowing!

As you must have seen, the above proof was totally IRRelevant to the Relevance Theorem. (If you still didn’t get it, read I R Relevant as three separate words.)